Helloooo bitches! Hows the weekend going? I was going to be all seasonal and shit and do a blog about Strawberry jam, but its raining, so fuck that.
I hadn’t planned to do cookies, but I was hungry and I am shit at shopping on account of working and being tired due to my boyfriend waking me up at night. He is dead, so it’s not really his fault, but I’m still blaming him for the nightmares I have about him dying. I am sure he’d be OK with this as he loved blaming me for shit when he was here and vice versa. Also he is still my boyfriend in my mind, I am not single. There’s a reason for that tick box on forms, “Married, Single, Widowed” its a whole different social class, I’m telling you. I feel most at home in the company of my kind, the bereaved. but there we go, don’t want to bore you all with death, plus the English will run a mile as we don’t like to talk about “that sort of thing”
So I am hungry, its 1.30 and what the fuck do I have in my cupboards? Sod all. Best crack on and bake then, but it must be tasty and quick. Well flowerpots, you are in luck, these take less than 30 mins from start to finish.
Here’s the recipe, all fancy innit? I have had it years. cant even remember where I saw it.
Basically, you’re going to want to chuck all the ingredients in a bowl and mix it.
Sounds simple eh? Fucking will be if you actually buy raisins, Which I hadn’t. I did realise after chucking half the crap in the bowl and remembered I have mixed dried fruit, so I spent 5 minutes sorting the peel from the rest of it. I did a bit then realised I needed 6oz of fruit. “6 fucking ounces??” more sorting of dried fruit then.
Mash up all the stuff in a bowl. I used my hands. I washed them and everything too, because apparently its frowned upon not to. I forgot about the cinnamon, so I added it until I couldn’t smell the dark brown sugar any more. This is not a scientifically proven method and is reserved for twats like me who forget things. And yes, I didn’t have any light soft brown sugar either, so I used dark brown – so shoot me.
Step 3 Grab golf ball sized lumps of dough with your already sticky fat hands and chuck on a lined baking sheet. space them out and slap in the oven for about 10-15 mins on 180 degrees. job done.
They should come out like this :
I recommend doing these if you run out of air freshener, because as a friend surmised – yes, my house does indeed smell frigging amazing now. I’ve teamed these lovely little bitches up with some Kenyan Coffee which also makes my house smell less of damp rugs and incense.
Cue arty instagram pic:
And there you have it. Cookies! They harden as they cool, but these are those ones that are still soft in the middle i.e. the really nice ones, not little shithead ones that crack your teeth.
I’m referring to you gingernuts…just fuck off, you ain’t welcome in my cookie jar. (this can also be used as a euphemism if you don’t like Ed Sheeran. but you must not be normal if you don’t)
Give these a try – they are nice honest! I’m off to see a couple of widows later. we are being all good and going for a walk which is what normals think we should be doing I guess “Ooh you’re doing well and getting back out there aren’t you?” yeah. something like that. we will probably swear and throw rocks at pigeons.
Have a good weekend!